I’m a little nervous about moving from Central Denver to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. My neighborhood in Central Denver, Park Hill, is one of the oldest intentionally integrated neighborhoods in the country. My neighbors are diverse and interesting. People in Park Hill have a sense of community.
We’re moving to Myrtle Beach not to retire but to be close to my mom. We want to enjoy time with her now, while she’s well, and be there when she needs more help. After living in a dry climate without a lot of bugs, I’m not looking forward to living with both of these things in South Carolina. Time with mom, however, trumps humidity and bugs.
What makes me nervous about moving to South Carolina is more about culture than weather. Last year, when we visited for Thanksgiving, I read about a heated debate going on between people who thought the Confederate flag should be flown over the statehouse and those who didn’t.
My mom lives in a nice, middle class neighborhood and we want to live either in that neighborhood or close by. I’ve noticed several Confederate flags flying in that neighborhood. I don’t know what the Confederate flag means to those who fly it, but I know what it means to me, and it’s not a good association.
Although I have real concerns about our South Carolina move, I must remember the principle that we get more of what we focus our energy and attention on. I could choose to focus on all the things that make me nervous about living in South Carolina. Or I can focus on what I appreciate.
While there in June, I noticed a driver stop on a busy street, with a long line of cars behind him, to let a car pull out that had been waiting for an opening in traffic to turn onto that main street. Whenever I walk in mom’s neighborhood, people always wave as they drive.
The ocean has always been a place where I feel peaceful and inspired and we would live less than a mile from the water. And of course the main reason we’re moving, time with mom. I love the thought that I can call her anytime and say “Mom, we’re putting something on the grill, come over for dinner.” She’s healthy but has lost a lot of weight. She doesn’t enjoy cooking just for herself and eating alone. I don’t blame her.
I have a choice—focus on what I appreciate about living in Myrtle Beach or focus on what gives me agita. To the degree I focus on the benefits of living there, I cannot at the same time focus on what I don’t like.
My choice is to focus on what I appreciate. We may not stay there forever, but while we’re there, I’ll appreciate our new home.
What have you noticed about the power of focusing your attention on what you appreciate?
Friday, July 22, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Expectations and Outcomes
We get what we expect. I believe this to be true but wasn’t aware of the subtle ways it operated in my life. A recent experience reminded me about the consequences of certain expectations.
I’d just finished teaching a 4 day class with 2 colleagues in Wisconsin. The group we taught shall remain nameless but it was a tough crowd and we were all glad to be heading home Thursday evening.
Although on different airlines, my colleague Beth and I shared a cab to the airport. The taxi driver reported many flight delays because of bad weather on the east coast. He checked our flight times on his phone. Beth’s flight was delayed a couple hours, he told us. It appeared that my flight was on time.
Because I’d printed out my boarding pass at the hotel, I went straight through security. As soon as I got through security, I saw a sign at a gate that said Denver. I sat down and made some phone calls. I overheard a guy on the phone next to me saying the Denver plane was delayed an hour.
I didn’t check the monitor after I overheard the guy on the phone. I just sat at the gate, catching up on calls.
An hour after my flight’s scheduled departure, I did check a monitor for my flight’s departure time. My flight wasn’t listed. At the gate where I’d been sitting, a Minnesota flight was now shown.
When I called United, they said my flight had left on time.
How could that have happened? I never heard the flight called. Clearly I’d been at the wrong gate and misinterpreted what I overheard the guy on the phone say.
I went back to the ticket counter. The only flight to Denver that evening was the Frontier flight my colleague Beth was on. I walked over to the United counter where a lone agent seemed to be closing up for the day and told him my saga. I can’t imagine how this happened, I kept saying.
He took my boarding pass, looked me up on the computer and then handed me a piece of paper. “I got you on the Frontier flight,” he said. “I’m sorry but you’ll have to wait in the Frontier line because I can’t print your boarding pass.” No change fee, no additional fare, and I would get home that night.
It’s still amazing to me that this happened. Yet my expectation that there would be a delay had me looking for evidence of that. Instead of my usual diligence when I travel, I made a stupid mistake.
Where else in my life, I wondered, do I allow expectations to limit me? What would happen if I raised my expectations in all areas of my life? Those are the questions I’m contemplating these days.
How do you see your expectations impacting the results you’re getting in your life?
I’d just finished teaching a 4 day class with 2 colleagues in Wisconsin. The group we taught shall remain nameless but it was a tough crowd and we were all glad to be heading home Thursday evening.
Although on different airlines, my colleague Beth and I shared a cab to the airport. The taxi driver reported many flight delays because of bad weather on the east coast. He checked our flight times on his phone. Beth’s flight was delayed a couple hours, he told us. It appeared that my flight was on time.
Because I’d printed out my boarding pass at the hotel, I went straight through security. As soon as I got through security, I saw a sign at a gate that said Denver. I sat down and made some phone calls. I overheard a guy on the phone next to me saying the Denver plane was delayed an hour.
I didn’t check the monitor after I overheard the guy on the phone. I just sat at the gate, catching up on calls.
An hour after my flight’s scheduled departure, I did check a monitor for my flight’s departure time. My flight wasn’t listed. At the gate where I’d been sitting, a Minnesota flight was now shown.
When I called United, they said my flight had left on time.
How could that have happened? I never heard the flight called. Clearly I’d been at the wrong gate and misinterpreted what I overheard the guy on the phone say.
I went back to the ticket counter. The only flight to Denver that evening was the Frontier flight my colleague Beth was on. I walked over to the United counter where a lone agent seemed to be closing up for the day and told him my saga. I can’t imagine how this happened, I kept saying.
He took my boarding pass, looked me up on the computer and then handed me a piece of paper. “I got you on the Frontier flight,” he said. “I’m sorry but you’ll have to wait in the Frontier line because I can’t print your boarding pass.” No change fee, no additional fare, and I would get home that night.
It’s still amazing to me that this happened. Yet my expectation that there would be a delay had me looking for evidence of that. Instead of my usual diligence when I travel, I made a stupid mistake.
Where else in my life, I wondered, do I allow expectations to limit me? What would happen if I raised my expectations in all areas of my life? Those are the questions I’m contemplating these days.
How do you see your expectations impacting the results you’re getting in your life?
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Fixed or Growth Mindset?
A coaching client recommended a wonderful book to me called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck.
Dweck has some interesting illustrations about the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset. Her terms aptly describe each mindset.
People with a growth mindset are always interested in growth and learning. They look for the lessons in failures or setbacks and examine how they can do better next time.
She uses Michael Jordan as an example of someone with a growth mindset. She talks about how he increased the intensity of his practice after being cut from his high school basketball team. She also relates the story of Jordan relying on his past success when he returned to basketball after a stint playing baseball. After a dismal season, he resumed his formerly diligent practice and the Bulls won the NBA title for the next three years.
Michael Jordan’s growth mindset is contrasted to former tennis great John McEnroe’s fixed mindset. McEnroe rarely took responsibility for his losses. He always blamed his loss on an external reason—the weather, the tabloids, his health.
Dweck talks about the dangers of putting too much stock in talent and that anyone can improve with practice. If we rely too much on what we believe to be natural talent, we may want to protect our image rather than develop our talent.
This theory made a lot of sense to me. I like to think of myself as always having a growth mindset, yet I can identify times when that’s not so. As I cleaned out my office recently, I came across evidence of a place I got stuck in a fixed mindset.
I had signed up for a writing workshop, which is different than a class. At a workshop, you bring work to be critiqued. When I signed up, I didn’t understand the distinction between class and workshop.
There were 8 excellent writers in the workshop—and me. You’d think I’d be thrilled to be with such good writers. That wasn’t the case. I felt intimidated and kept telling myself how much more talent they had than me. I ended up dropping the workshop
What I found when cleaning my office was a file with work that I had submitted for critique. I never read the comments.
What Dweck talked about rang true to me. Stuck in the belief that writing is a talent, I didn’t work harder when amongst accomplished writers. Instead I shrunk back and used the belief that writing is a talent as an excuse.
It was much easier reading about fixed mindset people in Dweck’s book than facing the places in my own life where I get stuck in a fixed mindset. I’ve committed to spend time with the class’s comments on my work and look for ways to improve my writing. And keep myself open to a growth mindset in all areas.
What makes sense to you about the idea of growth versus fixed mindsets?
Dweck has some interesting illustrations about the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset. Her terms aptly describe each mindset.
People with a growth mindset are always interested in growth and learning. They look for the lessons in failures or setbacks and examine how they can do better next time.
She uses Michael Jordan as an example of someone with a growth mindset. She talks about how he increased the intensity of his practice after being cut from his high school basketball team. She also relates the story of Jordan relying on his past success when he returned to basketball after a stint playing baseball. After a dismal season, he resumed his formerly diligent practice and the Bulls won the NBA title for the next three years.
Michael Jordan’s growth mindset is contrasted to former tennis great John McEnroe’s fixed mindset. McEnroe rarely took responsibility for his losses. He always blamed his loss on an external reason—the weather, the tabloids, his health.
Dweck talks about the dangers of putting too much stock in talent and that anyone can improve with practice. If we rely too much on what we believe to be natural talent, we may want to protect our image rather than develop our talent.
This theory made a lot of sense to me. I like to think of myself as always having a growth mindset, yet I can identify times when that’s not so. As I cleaned out my office recently, I came across evidence of a place I got stuck in a fixed mindset.
I had signed up for a writing workshop, which is different than a class. At a workshop, you bring work to be critiqued. When I signed up, I didn’t understand the distinction between class and workshop.
There were 8 excellent writers in the workshop—and me. You’d think I’d be thrilled to be with such good writers. That wasn’t the case. I felt intimidated and kept telling myself how much more talent they had than me. I ended up dropping the workshop
What I found when cleaning my office was a file with work that I had submitted for critique. I never read the comments.
What Dweck talked about rang true to me. Stuck in the belief that writing is a talent, I didn’t work harder when amongst accomplished writers. Instead I shrunk back and used the belief that writing is a talent as an excuse.
It was much easier reading about fixed mindset people in Dweck’s book than facing the places in my own life where I get stuck in a fixed mindset. I’ve committed to spend time with the class’s comments on my work and look for ways to improve my writing. And keep myself open to a growth mindset in all areas.
What makes sense to you about the idea of growth versus fixed mindsets?
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Trusting Ourselves
Tom and I took our house off the market today. It’s been on the market for six and a half months yet after 70 showings, we didn’t have one offer. Our realtor said he wasn’t getting much feedback, that it was a price issue and we had to lower the price yet again.
My gut told me it wasn’t a price issue and that lowering the price wouldn’t bring a buyer. My gut also told me that our realtor wasn’t doing a good job for us but I didn't want to listen to that.
I like our realtor. Seven years ago he sold us this home and also sold our other home. He made the deals work for all parties. I trusted his integrity. Yet this time, I felt his only strategy to sell the house was to lower the price.
We’d done everything we knew to do to support the sale. A very artistic, creative friend went through the house and told us changes to make, we visualized the sold sign in front of the house, I even had a shaman come and clear the energy. Still no buyer.
It was only after talking to a friend who used to run a real estate office that I accepted that our realtor wasn’t doing a good job for us. Tom and I decided to interview 2 other realtors and maybe switch when the listing expired on July 30.
One of the realtors we interviewed came into the house with a list of things she felt interfered with us getting a buyer. She generously shared her ideas without even knowing if we were going to give her the listing. She liked our house and felt she could sell it. Tom and I agreed.
We have to wait for our current listing contract to expire to list with her so we chose to take the house off the market, make the changes she suggested, and put it back on the market July 31. We both feel good about the decision.
It’s interesting, however, that my gut knew that our realtor was not doing a good job for us but my head over rode that feeling. “But he did a great job for us last time, but the market really is bad, but, but, but…
Finally my head and my gut aligned. I feel sure we’re headed for a better outcome with this new agent. It was a good lesson for me in trusting my gut, paying attention to that uncomfortable feeling and asking questions about its message rather than trying to shut it down with logic.
I’m grateful for that valuable lesson and will use it to be more closely attuned and trusting of my inner knowing.
What helps you trust yourself?
My gut told me it wasn’t a price issue and that lowering the price wouldn’t bring a buyer. My gut also told me that our realtor wasn’t doing a good job for us but I didn't want to listen to that.
I like our realtor. Seven years ago he sold us this home and also sold our other home. He made the deals work for all parties. I trusted his integrity. Yet this time, I felt his only strategy to sell the house was to lower the price.
We’d done everything we knew to do to support the sale. A very artistic, creative friend went through the house and told us changes to make, we visualized the sold sign in front of the house, I even had a shaman come and clear the energy. Still no buyer.
It was only after talking to a friend who used to run a real estate office that I accepted that our realtor wasn’t doing a good job for us. Tom and I decided to interview 2 other realtors and maybe switch when the listing expired on July 30.
One of the realtors we interviewed came into the house with a list of things she felt interfered with us getting a buyer. She generously shared her ideas without even knowing if we were going to give her the listing. She liked our house and felt she could sell it. Tom and I agreed.
We have to wait for our current listing contract to expire to list with her so we chose to take the house off the market, make the changes she suggested, and put it back on the market July 31. We both feel good about the decision.
It’s interesting, however, that my gut knew that our realtor was not doing a good job for us but my head over rode that feeling. “But he did a great job for us last time, but the market really is bad, but, but, but…
Finally my head and my gut aligned. I feel sure we’re headed for a better outcome with this new agent. It was a good lesson for me in trusting my gut, paying attention to that uncomfortable feeling and asking questions about its message rather than trying to shut it down with logic.
I’m grateful for that valuable lesson and will use it to be more closely attuned and trusting of my inner knowing.
What helps you trust yourself?
Monday, July 4, 2011
The Promise of American
It’s easy for me to give myself agita over the challenges that our country currently faces. Recently on the radio I heard a commentator speculate that the Republican strategy right now is to be uncooperative because the worse the economy is, the better their chances of success in 2012.
It frustrates me that that the question most politicians seem to ask is “How can I/we win?” rather than “What will best serve the American people?” If the economy worsens, how many people will suffer, how many will lose their jobs and their homes?
And don’t even get me started on questionable wars, healthcare and education!
Certainly we have our challenges. Yet recently I spoke to a cab driver who drove me from my hotel to the Atlanta airport. He was from Eritrea in Africa. He’d been here 3
and a half years and couldn’t say enough good things about America.
“If you do things right,” he said, “this is a great country for opportunity.” He drove a cab full time and also went to school fulltime, as the textbook on the seat next to him confirmed. “It’s hard on my family for me to be gone so much but we know it is worth it,” he asserted.
Of Eritrea, Wikipedia says: “The human rights record of Eritrea is considered poor. Eritrea is a one-party state in which national legislative elections have been repeatedly postponed.” Coming from Eritrea, America surely must look good to that hard-working cab driver.
Then I reflect on the fact that my father came to this country from Sicily at the age of 6. My maternal grandfather emigrated from a town near Naples at the age of 15. Although I’m very proud of my Italian heritage, what would my life have been like if I’d been born in Italy? Would I have an education? Would I have travelled, been able to make the choices I’ve made, experienced the personal and professional growth that have enriched my life?
I suspect my life would have been very different had I been born and reared in Italy. This 4th of July finds me grateful to be an American, to have the quality of life that I’ve enjoyed. I feel hopeful that we can continue to make this country better and more aligned with the principles of our founders. And I’m motivated and inspired, within my sphere of influence, to do my part.
What’s your experience of being an American?
It frustrates me that that the question most politicians seem to ask is “How can I/we win?” rather than “What will best serve the American people?” If the economy worsens, how many people will suffer, how many will lose their jobs and their homes?
And don’t even get me started on questionable wars, healthcare and education!
Certainly we have our challenges. Yet recently I spoke to a cab driver who drove me from my hotel to the Atlanta airport. He was from Eritrea in Africa. He’d been here 3
and a half years and couldn’t say enough good things about America.
“If you do things right,” he said, “this is a great country for opportunity.” He drove a cab full time and also went to school fulltime, as the textbook on the seat next to him confirmed. “It’s hard on my family for me to be gone so much but we know it is worth it,” he asserted.
Of Eritrea, Wikipedia says: “The human rights record of Eritrea is considered poor. Eritrea is a one-party state in which national legislative elections have been repeatedly postponed.” Coming from Eritrea, America surely must look good to that hard-working cab driver.
Then I reflect on the fact that my father came to this country from Sicily at the age of 6. My maternal grandfather emigrated from a town near Naples at the age of 15. Although I’m very proud of my Italian heritage, what would my life have been like if I’d been born in Italy? Would I have an education? Would I have travelled, been able to make the choices I’ve made, experienced the personal and professional growth that have enriched my life?
I suspect my life would have been very different had I been born and reared in Italy. This 4th of July finds me grateful to be an American, to have the quality of life that I’ve enjoyed. I feel hopeful that we can continue to make this country better and more aligned with the principles of our founders. And I’m motivated and inspired, within my sphere of influence, to do my part.
What’s your experience of being an American?
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