How to support a friend

Since my departure date from Denver is a big unknown because it’s based on when our house sells, I’ve started scheduling ‘time to say goodbye’ meetings. There are people who aren’t a regular part of my life but who have been important to me and I want to make sure that I connect with them before I go.

One of these people is my friend May, who I had breakfast with last week. I met May in the early 80’s when I volunteered for the non-profit that she ran. Because of how she developed me as a volunteer, I later applied for and got the job as a community organizer with the non-profit.

May mentored and trained me for work that I’ve been doing for the last twenty-five plus years. She helped me overcome my terror about speaking in public. Her deep spirituality modeled for me that you can be spiritual without being religious. Since I was ‘religionless’ at the time, that was an important distinction.

One of the best things May taught me, however, was the meaning of support. I remember rambling on to her about some injustice that I had suffered (in those days, I suffered a lot from perceived injustices!). She patiently listened, and then she asked “how can I support you?”

I remember a jarring feeling because it wasn’t what I expected. What I expected was some version of “You poor thing, how could that bad and wrong person have done that to you.” With no warning, however, she offered “how can I support you?”

Her question hung there for what felt like a long time. Then I came up with something that she could do to support me. The ‘something’ I came up with shifted the conversation from me as whiny victim to me as someone ready to take action and move past what had happened.

It seems like such a simple thing—when someone has a challenge, ask how you can support them, rather than playing ‘ain’t it awful’ with them. The more we focus and help those we love focus on what we want rather than what we don’t want, the more apt we are to move in the direction of what we want rather than getting more of what we don’t want.

My life wouldn’t have been the same if I hadn’t met and learned from this wonderful woman. Of all the things I learned from her, how to offer positive support is the one that impacts my life almost daily.

How did you learn about giving and receiving positive support?