While connecting with people to say goodbye before we leave Denver, I reflected on a friendship that I completed some years ago. The friendship ended not because we’d grown in different directions or no longer shared mutual interests but because I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘no.’
After my friend’s breast cancer diagnosis, I was very supportive. I took her to her biopsy appointment, was with her the day of her surgery to remove the tumor and did a Reiki (a hands-on energy modality) session for her the night before her first chemo treatment. She feared her splitting headache would prevent her from going to her first treatment but the Reiki session relieved the pain and allowed her to keep her appointment.
At the time I worked in a high stress job and wasn’t handling the stress well. Yet any time my friend called and asked me to do anything, I said yes. I said yes because there was a little voice in me that said that ‘no’ was not an option.
Soon I got burned out from saying ‘yes’ and distanced myself from my friend, which destroyed our relationship. The loss of that precious friendship saddened me. We had a long history together, learned and grew together and laughed a lot.
A couple years after our friendship ended, I did a Voice Dialogue session. Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone developed Voice Dialogue as a way to access the many voices inside us. In the session, I told the facilitator about the loss of the friendship and how I still mourned it.
She facilitated my access to the voice that couldn’t say no, which she called the Pleaser. Then she had me physically move and talk to the opposite of the Pleaser. This voice said that all I needed to do was say ‘I can’t do that, but how can I help you? Can I make some calls for you?
It seemed so simple. Why hadn’t I figured that out? To figure it out meant giving myself permission to say ‘no’ and open to different ways of being supportive. The inability to say no cost me a precious friendship.
I saved an email she sent me after an unsuccessful reconciliation attempt. She wrote “I was reminded of why I always valued our friendship so much…you are absolutely the most creative, rigorous, stimulating, funny gal on the planet, and I always felt you helped me to be a better person.” When I occasionally reread the email, it makes me both smile and feel remorse for the loss.
When our paths sporadically cross, I’m glad to see that she’s happy and healthy. Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t learn about the Pleaser in time to preserve the friendship. Maybe my mistake will serve as a cautionary tale and give someone else permission to avoid unnecessary heartache by the simple use of the word ‘no.’
What have you learned about the power of saying ‘no’?
Friday, March 25, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
How to support a friend
Since my departure date from Denver is a big unknown because it’s based on when our house sells, I’ve started scheduling ‘time to say goodbye’ meetings. There are people who aren’t a regular part of my life but who have been important to me and I want to make sure that I connect with them before I go.
One of these people is my friend May, who I had breakfast with last week. I met May in the early 80’s when I volunteered for the non-profit that she ran. Because of how she developed me as a volunteer, I later applied for and got the job as a community organizer with the non-profit.
May mentored and trained me for work that I’ve been doing for the last twenty-five plus years. She helped me overcome my terror about speaking in public. Her deep spirituality modeled for me that you can be spiritual without being religious. Since I was ‘religionless’ at the time, that was an important distinction.
One of the best things May taught me, however, was the meaning of support. I remember rambling on to her about some injustice that I had suffered (in those days, I suffered a lot from perceived injustices!). She patiently listened, and then she asked “how can I support you?”
I remember a jarring feeling because it wasn’t what I expected. What I expected was some version of “You poor thing, how could that bad and wrong person have done that to you.” With no warning, however, she offered “how can I support you?”
Her question hung there for what felt like a long time. Then I came up with something that she could do to support me. The ‘something’ I came up with shifted the conversation from me as whiny victim to me as someone ready to take action and move past what had happened.
It seems like such a simple thing—when someone has a challenge, ask how you can support them, rather than playing ‘ain’t it awful’ with them. The more we focus and help those we love focus on what we want rather than what we don’t want, the more apt we are to move in the direction of what we want rather than getting more of what we don’t want.
My life wouldn’t have been the same if I hadn’t met and learned from this wonderful woman. Of all the things I learned from her, how to offer positive support is the one that impacts my life almost daily.
How did you learn about giving and receiving positive support?
One of these people is my friend May, who I had breakfast with last week. I met May in the early 80’s when I volunteered for the non-profit that she ran. Because of how she developed me as a volunteer, I later applied for and got the job as a community organizer with the non-profit.
May mentored and trained me for work that I’ve been doing for the last twenty-five plus years. She helped me overcome my terror about speaking in public. Her deep spirituality modeled for me that you can be spiritual without being religious. Since I was ‘religionless’ at the time, that was an important distinction.
One of the best things May taught me, however, was the meaning of support. I remember rambling on to her about some injustice that I had suffered (in those days, I suffered a lot from perceived injustices!). She patiently listened, and then she asked “how can I support you?”
I remember a jarring feeling because it wasn’t what I expected. What I expected was some version of “You poor thing, how could that bad and wrong person have done that to you.” With no warning, however, she offered “how can I support you?”
Her question hung there for what felt like a long time. Then I came up with something that she could do to support me. The ‘something’ I came up with shifted the conversation from me as whiny victim to me as someone ready to take action and move past what had happened.
It seems like such a simple thing—when someone has a challenge, ask how you can support them, rather than playing ‘ain’t it awful’ with them. The more we focus and help those we love focus on what we want rather than what we don’t want, the more apt we are to move in the direction of what we want rather than getting more of what we don’t want.
My life wouldn’t have been the same if I hadn’t met and learned from this wonderful woman. Of all the things I learned from her, how to offer positive support is the one that impacts my life almost daily.
How did you learn about giving and receiving positive support?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Fasting from doubt
When I was a kid, the beginning of Lent meant the end of sweets until Easter. We were supposed to ‘give something up for Lent’ and for most kids in my Catholic school, that 'giving up’ meant sweets. I don’t remember if we were coached to do that or if we were told we needed to give up something important to us and sweets were pretty important to most of us.
For years, when I observed Lent, I gave up sweets. Then I left the Church, and the whole idea of Lent just fell by the wayside. I only knew it was Ash Wednesday when I saw someone walking around with a dirty forehead. I realized they’d been to church, had the priest make the sign of the cross on their forehead with ashes and say “remember man that you are dust and unto dust you shall return.”
Many years after leaving the Catholic Church, I happened upon a book called Keep a True Lent, by Unity Church co-founder Charles Fillmore. Fillmore talked about the benefit of fasting and preparation for the time of renewal which was Easter. The book’s introduction cast fasting in a new light— “When we withdraw our attention, interest, and support from the false and the unworthy, this is true fasting.”
Since finding and using Fillmore’s book each year, Lent and Easter have taken on more meaning for me. I think in terms of what doesn’t serve me that I’d like to fast from. This year I decided to fast from self-doubt. Second guessing myself, not trusting my inner wisdom, has been a pattern that I can easily fall into. This year I’ll fast from self-doubt and open the way for greater confidence and connection to my inner guidance.
I once heard someone say that anything we do consistently will change our lives. So at least for the period of Lent, I will consistently guard my thoughts against self-doubt. Who knows, maybe I’ll be a different person by Easter!
If you were to choose to fast from something that didn’t serve you, what would that be?
For years, when I observed Lent, I gave up sweets. Then I left the Church, and the whole idea of Lent just fell by the wayside. I only knew it was Ash Wednesday when I saw someone walking around with a dirty forehead. I realized they’d been to church, had the priest make the sign of the cross on their forehead with ashes and say “remember man that you are dust and unto dust you shall return.”
Many years after leaving the Catholic Church, I happened upon a book called Keep a True Lent, by Unity Church co-founder Charles Fillmore. Fillmore talked about the benefit of fasting and preparation for the time of renewal which was Easter. The book’s introduction cast fasting in a new light— “When we withdraw our attention, interest, and support from the false and the unworthy, this is true fasting.”
Since finding and using Fillmore’s book each year, Lent and Easter have taken on more meaning for me. I think in terms of what doesn’t serve me that I’d like to fast from. This year I decided to fast from self-doubt. Second guessing myself, not trusting my inner wisdom, has been a pattern that I can easily fall into. This year I’ll fast from self-doubt and open the way for greater confidence and connection to my inner guidance.
I once heard someone say that anything we do consistently will change our lives. So at least for the period of Lent, I will consistently guard my thoughts against self-doubt. Who knows, maybe I’ll be a different person by Easter!
If you were to choose to fast from something that didn’t serve you, what would that be?
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